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Tech Support
Posted: 2001
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
Tech: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Tech: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Tech: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared!"
Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Tech: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Tech: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Tech: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Tech: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: ".......Yes, it is."
Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "....... Okay, here it is."
Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Tech: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Tech: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Tech: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Tech: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Tech: "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
The Funnies
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
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Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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