Time to take a break!
A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
VERY PROUD TO BE BRITISH BECAUSE:
Only in Britain.. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain.. do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, whilst the healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and A DIET coke.
Only in Britain.. do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain.. do we leave thousands of pounds worth of car on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain.. do we use answering machines to screen our calls and then have call waiting so that we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to speak to in the first place.
Only in Britain.. are there disabled car parking spaces in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION.... 3 Brits die each year testing a 9-volt battery to see if it works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 through watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that the Christmas decorations on the tree were chocolate.
British hospitals reported:
4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 Brits have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet since 1999. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 by trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A & E in the last 2 years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
AND FINALLY... In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up in the toilet.
Funny Quotes:
"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."
-Anon
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
-Anon
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks
"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau]."
-Anon
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
-Anon
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-Anon
"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
-Anon
"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
-Anon
"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
-Anon
"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
-Anon
"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."
-Anon
"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."
-Anon
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."
-Anon
"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
-Anon
"Money is the root of all wealth."
-Anon
"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Anon
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
-Anon
"Being superstitious brings bad luck."
-Anon
"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
-Anon
"When in doubt, give advice."
-Anon
"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
-Anon
"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
-Anon
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research."
-Anon
